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Shes turning 4

You never forget what it feels like to hold your baby for the first time.  You never forget bringing her home.  And I will never forget what it felt like to have her.  And I will never forget what it felt like to let her go.  No mom should ever have to do that.  I miss her.  She is going to be 4 years old in a few days… and I miss her.  I miss getting to see her grow up.  To love her through all her stages of life.  She made me stronger.  She made me a better person.  I just hate that I had to lose her.  Part of me wishes I was able to hold my heart back… and yet, she deserved to have all of it.  And that is what I gave her.  There are days, like today, that I tell God if he wants to give her back it is okay… I will always long for her.  Always.  But I know that Gods will was done and I trust Him.  I trust Him to take care of her.  But at the same time, I want to take care of her.

 

Lord God,

 

Even tough I trust You with all that I am… there are days I don’t get it.  There are days I just want her back.  Period.  Every day I want her.  Some days it hurts.  Bad. Lord, meet me here once again.  In this place I am all too familiar with.  And just hold me.  And hold my sweet precious baby girl as she turns 4.  Help her to know how precious she is.  How loved.  Thank you for the gift of her 4 years ago.

 

Once again I give her over to You and trust You!

 

Happy birthday sweet girl!  You will always be my baby girl, my “Roo”.  And I will always always love you!!!

 

I am okay.  This is just a part of what a heart goes through.  What my heart goes through after losing something so precious.  But I know that God has a plan.  I trust His plan even when I don’t get it.

 

Thanks for listening again!

 

 

~Kristen 

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Mothers Day

Mothers Day

 

First thing that comes to mind is BLESSED!  So blessed!  Our two sweet precious girls have filled up our lives!  They call me mommy everyday.  They hug me.  They tell me that they love me.  We laugh together.  Play hard.  Enjoy each moment.  I have the honor and the privilege of raising them.  I am indeed blessed.

 

Mothers day also bring to mind that I am blessed to call my mom, mom. What an amazing women she is.  A women who loves the Lord with all her heart.  Who loves my daddy with all shes got.  Who is a precious Nana to my children.  And who has walked though EVERYTHING in my life with me.  Often times holding me along the journey.  She is my role model.  My hero.  And the type of mom that I pray  I become.  She is one of my very best friends.

 

I am blessed by the legacy of my Grandmother, whom we call Nonnie!  She was an amazing women of God who loved her family well!

 

I am blessed to have the two precious babies that God gave us for just a short time.  To love them and hold them close.  To have them love me in return.  I will always love them and hold them in my heart.  My dear sweet precious baby girl will always be just that – my dear sweet precious baby girl –  I miss you today honey but thank God for the time I had with you even if it was too short.

 

Thank you Lord, for blessing me this mothers day and always.  For giving me so many to love!

 

~Kristen

 

Take a moment to laugh!

Last night at 9 pm I went in to check on Aleah who was having a hard time falling asleep and she just had the giggles.  There is no sound better in the whole world then when a child giggles.  She said, “mama, lay by me”.  So I did.  And she just started to laugh.  Her laughter is so contagious that we were both laughing so hard.  I laid there looking at that sweet little face and those little hands that were holding mine and thinking, “WOW!  I am so blessed.”  I enjoyed that time with her.  She teaches me not to take life too seriously… and to laugh. Laugh at everything – laugh at nothing – just laugh.

 

~Kristen

Sweet Reminders

I gave my testimony today.  Thank you for praying!

 

It was hard to journey back.  It was. As I spoke today, I cried… I guess that should come as no shock considering I cry… It is just what I do.  I spoke about our sweet baby in front of a fairly large group of women.  It was the first time that I had done that.  I miss her but speaking today was such a blessing and honor because I know God was glorified in it.  I am so thankful that our story is being used by God.  It makes it that much more okay to have gone through it.

 

I must say that I am tired.  After the time spent preparing and then talking about her I am worn out.  But, I am okay.  In fact, I came home today and the song came in my head that talks about being blessed.  And you know what – I am so blessed.  And I am so thankful for that.  I was looking at the two sweet girls God has given me and just thinking how grateful I am for them – how precious they are.  God has given us three precious daughters, two of which I get the privilege and honor of raising with my amazing husband Aaron.  And our other daughter that we got to hold close for 7 weeks and that we get to love the rest of our lives.  All three of which are sweet reminders of God’s Grace and Love!  Of His Blessings!

 

~Kristen

 

I came across this blog post that I had written… you should read it. It talks about blessings and that some come from hardships…..

https://mylifesjourneys.wordpress.com/?s=blessing

Testimony

I am getting ready to give my testimony on Wednesday.  I am excited to see how God uses our story.  But man, it is also a bit hard to go back over everything.

Sweet precious girl – mommy misses you tonight!  Thank you for blessing our lives!

Upside Down & Backwards

Walking upside down and backwards…

 

What?  Exactly.  But that is how I feel sometimes – I feel like I am going through life upside down and backwards… at least I am mot running in circles.   What brings about these crazy feelings?  Well, I will tell you.  Life.  I was talking to my mother-in-law today and she was saying just how much I do (which is always so nice to hear 🙂  And I realized, yes, I do a lot.  How do I even do it all?  I mean I have two little kiddos that I love to be their mommy and with that comes: I meal plan, grocery shop, cook, clean & then clean right after I already cleaned, do laundry, do more laundry, do more laundry (okay, you get the point), run the kids here and there, change diapers, wipe noses, and to top it all off I home-school (and I am sure I am missing A LOT but you get the idea).  I have heard so many moms say that being a mommy is not for the weak.  Amen to that.  We are tuff.  We are talented.  I mean a person would have to be in order to walk upside down & backwards.  You may be thinking what is with that.  But, it is easy. Sometimes with the demands of life and being a mom, you feel your world has been turned upside down.  At least that is how I feel. Life sometimes gets so crazy that at the end of the day I say, “I did it all but have no idea how”.  But now let me just say…. I would not have it any other way….  I LOVE my life.  I am so blessed.  And if my life means that I have to walk upside down and backwards, well then, I will learn to do it well and enjoy the ride : )  I will count it a blessing that God has given me this life.  And I wouldn’t trade it!

 

~Kristen

 

 

Her Picture

I miss her!!!!!

 

Tonight we had such a great night… it was a blast.  We went to celebrate one of my friends birthdays and all of her close friends were there.  Including my little girls grandparents.  I knew they would be there.  The idea was a bit hard since I have not seen them in over 3 years since I lost my little girl.  I tried to prepare myself as best I could.  When I saw them I hugged them.  It seemed okay – even good to see them.

 

She told me that she wanted to see a picture of my girls.  I showed her.  Not for a moment thinking that she would show me… and then it happened.  She pulled out her camera.  I almost told her I didn’t want to see her.  But, I couldn’t get the words out… because my heart held me back.  Because a big part of me wanted to see her… as she is now.  I took her camera, and looked at the picture… and there she was… so beautiful.  So perfect.  So sweet.  Her long hair hanging around her precious little face.  And my heart ached for her.  I began to lose it… but I knew it was not the time nor the place.  And let me tell you – I have learned to be tuff. And I shut the tears down.  At least for that moment.  Part of me wished she hadn’t shown me.  But, part of me was glad that she did.  I don’t know why – maybe for healing.  Maybe just to see her again.  Even just for a moment.  She could not stop crying..  I could tell she was broken – a different kind of brokenness that I had – yet, still broken.  She thanked me for all I did for her… and my response was what any mom would say, “I would do it all again for her.”  And I would… just to hold her again.

 

And then it hit.  Aaron and I got into the car…  and I lost it.. I sobbed.  You know – the kind that comes from deep within.. from a place that holds all of the pain. So, here I am.  Sitting here with my heart exposed.  Hurting.  Let me be clear.. I have not seen her or a picture of her since I lost her 3 and a half years ago.  So, WOW.  I mean maybe that is all I have got for tonight.

 

Don’t walk away from this just thinking, “Oh my gosh, that is so sad”.  Yes, sad it is.  That is for sure.  But read “my story” on my blog… although it is sad, the story is so much more then sad.   It is our Faith Journey.  And one that I am so grateful for.

 

Part of me thinks that I should not post this… but you know what… this is as real as it gets…

 

~Kristen