it is well

Today Kayla turns 5! I always write her a letter every year… So here it goes…

 

Kayla,

hi sweetheart! Happy birthday! I love you so much! It’s so hard to believe that your 5. You have always held such a special place in my heart and you always will. I will never forget the day I met you and held you in my arms for the first time. It was one of the most wonderful days of my entire life. Loving you is so easy & such a blessing. We pray for you every day that you will grow up to know Jesus and that you will always know how loved you are. How precious you are. Today we are going to release 5 balloons into the air as we reflect on  what a blessing you are. Honey, you have helped shape me into the person I am today. I’m a better person because of you. I have courage.  I have strength. I have a stronger faith. A faith that trusts The Lord to always take care of you since I can’t. Your sister Hailey has shed quite a few tears today. She will always love you & miss you! She asked why God let you leave. I told her that we may never understand but that we have to choose to trust in God’s plan. We have to have faith. I can say today, even though it’s still hard to get the words out, your exactly where your supposed to be even though I don’t understand. I can only say that because of my faith. The faith that grew because of you. Loving you was one of the best gifts we were given & I’m so honored to call you my daughter. I may not get to raise you but that will never take away from the fact that your my little girl and you always will be. Your precious to me!

I love you so much!

————-

is is well……

Tonight I am going to get my first tattoo on Kayla’s 5th birthday! Let me tell you the meaning behind it for me.  My cousin actually has the same one and when I saw her in May it touched me.  The tattoo says “it is well”.  And I truly believe that. But it took a lot of wrestling with God and gut wrenching faith for me to be able to finally say those words after losing our sweet girl. Those words didn’t come easily but they came because God is faithful. He grew our faith… Faith is when we have to go through something that doesn’t make any sense to us but we choose to trust Him anyways. We choose to let go and to allow it to be well with our soul. I would jump at the chance to have her in my arms again. To raise her. To be her mommy. But I see God in a huge way in our story. And in our lives. I see that He never let me go. He has changed my heart. I can now say it is well.

The tattoo is also special to me because it’s the song my mom has always lived out. Even through her cancer and all the hardships that came her way, she always said “it is well”. And they were not just words to her. It was a way of life. Her faith has always and will always be the most important thing to her. She trust The Lord with all that is in her. And she has passed that legacy of faith down to me. And because of her beautiful example of a godly women, I saw courage. Strength. And it was extremely instrumental in me being able to say “it is well” when life got hard. When I lost my baby girl.

I was shaken to the core… And then I was given a choice.. I could hold on to the hurt & anger or I could put my hand in the Lords and trust Him. And I not only had to trust Him with my life but I constantly have to trust Him with Kayla’s life. Letting go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It took strength and it took The Lord carrying me. And never letting me go.

On this day, Kayla’s 5th birthday, I’m reminded of how much God loves me. How many blessings we have received along the way. I’m reminded that 5 years ago God gave us Kayla. We got to hold her for 7 weeks and we get to love her for the rest of our lives. We will always love her as our own. She will always be a part of me and always be in my heart. I so wish I didn’t have to miss out on her life but so thankful for the time I got to be in it. She will always be my little girl.  As I write this I start to cry… Because it will always hurt. And I will always miss her. But I also am so thankful that God has written our story and continues to. God doesn’t make mistakes. I can honestly say I do not believe a heart ever fully recovers from such a loss… God just strengthens the heart and gives it peace. He beings healing and it doesn’t hurt as bad.

This tattoo will be a constant reminder to me that this life is not my own. It belongs to God. He doesn’t make mistakes. I can get through anything in this life as long as I have the hope and faith that comes from The Lord. To be able to say the words it is well is one of the biggest blessings that God has given me. There’s so much peace in surrendering to Him.

 

~ Kristen

 

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