I have felt angry lately. And it was not until today, when I fell on my knees before the Lord, that I realized why…. I am angry that I have had so much loss. That I have lost my Grandma already. I miss her so much – more then words could say. Life is not in our control and I get that…. but… I don’t like it. Not that I want to control life because yah, that is way too much… But I am tired of loss. In three years I lost my Grandpa, my daughter and now my Grandma. Three very precious people to me. It is a lot to take. Too much. When I lost my Grandma it made me miss our sweet girl because they have the same middle name and the feelings of loss were just way too familiar. When God closed the door for foster care I felt the loss of our little girl all over again. When that chapter was closed, it felt like I was leaving her in it… I guess I am, really. She will always be in my heart but each new chapter makes her feel further away. I do not like the feeling that brings and so I try to hold on. When really I think it is God’s way of helping me let go. Without even realizing it, I think all the loss and the reminders of loss and the closed doors have all made me try to take control. Like somehow I could at least make it not hurt… but the truth is it will always hurt at least a little. But God wants to hold me. And lately I have not been letting Him – not with this anyways. Because I have been angry. I guess I got tired of hurting and angry seemed like a better option. Well… I was wrong… you heard me… I was wrong. I need to cry and let God hold me. I need to remember that God has a plan. That He loves me. I have to let go and embrace what God has allowed. Friends, it is constant. It is a journey. One that I will never give up on. Because it is a journey the Lord has set me on and He will walk with me.
Thanks for listening!