I miss her!!!!!
Tonight we had such a great night… it was a blast. We went to celebrate one of my friends birthdays and all of her close friends were there. Including my little girls grandparents. I knew they would be there. The idea was a bit hard since I have not seen them in over 3 years since I lost my little girl. I tried to prepare myself as best I could. When I saw them I hugged them. It seemed okay – even good to see them.
She told me that she wanted to see a picture of my girls. I showed her. Not for a moment thinking that she would show me… and then it happened. She pulled out her camera. I almost told her I didn’t want to see her. But, I couldn’t get the words out… because my heart held me back. Because a big part of me wanted to see her… as she is now. I took her camera, and looked at the picture… and there she was… so beautiful. So perfect. So sweet. Her long hair hanging around her precious little face. And my heart ached for her. I began to lose it… but I knew it was not the time nor the place. And let me tell you – I have learned to be tuff. And I shut the tears down. At least for that moment. Part of me wished she hadn’t shown me. But, part of me was glad that she did. I don’t know why – maybe for healing. Maybe just to see her again. Even just for a moment. She could not stop crying.. I could tell she was broken – a different kind of brokenness that I had – yet, still broken. She thanked me for all I did for her… and my response was what any mom would say, “I would do it all again for her.” And I would… just to hold her again.
And then it hit. Aaron and I got into the car… and I lost it.. I sobbed. You know – the kind that comes from deep within.. from a place that holds all of the pain. So, here I am. Sitting here with my heart exposed. Hurting. Let me be clear.. I have not seen her or a picture of her since I lost her 3 and a half years ago. So, WOW. I mean maybe that is all I have got for tonight.
Don’t walk away from this just thinking, “Oh my gosh, that is so sad”. Yes, sad it is. That is for sure. But read “my story” on my blog… although it is sad, the story is so much more then sad. It is our Faith Journey. And one that I am so grateful for.
Part of me thinks that I should not post this… but you know what… this is as real as it gets…