Tonight I told Aaron that I have been feeling angry. It is really not a fun emotion to feel or to admit. And yet, I have shoved it inside. I was telling Aaron that I didn’t know why I was angry… and then – it all came out (with lots of tears of course)….
She is going to be three!
Her birthday is coming up again. And every year it does… well, I miss her. A lot. Badly. So there you have it… the reason I have been feeling that way… I just didn’t want to go there again. So, anger was a cover up for me so that I didn’t feel the pain of it. Face the fact that is feels different. You know it’s been nearly three years since we lost her? People say things get easier with time… and yet that is why it’s an especially hard year. It still hurts but it just hurts differently. And that is really hard for me. Now that she will be three she feels further away… that may sounds strange but it is how I feel. We have gone on with our lives and we love the lives that God has given us… but today – that makes me feel bad. I have not forgotten her, nor will I ever ever ever forget her. I can still remember what it feels like to have her in my arms. But today, this year, it feels different.
My heart hurts that we ever lost her. Thankful that we ever had her. Shes so big now… and I don’t get to see her grow up.
I don’t want it to get easier every year because then it feels like I am letting go of her… I am sure that some would say that is what I am supposed to do… but let me tell you – that is not easy to wrap my mind, let alone my heart, around.
I thought that I would maybe write a little letter just to honor her on her birthday…. instead – I am sobbing and I am hurting. And I miss her.
Hold me tonight. Hold our sweet precious baby – who is no longer a baby. Please Lord God, always help her know that she is so precious and so loved.
Friends – I know this is a bit heavy but I wanted to share it because it is me and it is where my heart is right now.