I went to a writers conference end of february. I was nervous and not quite sure what to expect… I did know that I would be sharing our story a lot. I had no idea what kind of feedback that I would have but I did have a certain type of person that I was afraid to talk to…..
At dinner I sat next to this other young mama. I asked her what her story was.
She to told me her story and that her baby had died. I cried. She was so brave as she told her story. I could not even imagine how painful that must have been for her. There are no words… and for me to not have words… well that speaks for itself.
She then asked me what my story was.
I wanted to sneak out-get away-change the subject. You know, anything but answer her. Because SHE was that person that I was afraid to talk to. I didn’t want to share my story because I did not want her think that I was trying to relate to her and act as if I know how she feels. I didn’t want her to think my story was not a big deal because my child had not died. I just didn’t want to compare…
But, she sat there looking at me as if she wanted me to talk….. Usually people are looking at me as if they want me to stop talking…
Okay then, I will talk…. deep breath or 5 of them…
I started to tell my story…. and she cried. She cried. She never said those words I feared I would hear… She looked at me and said she couldn’t believe how hard that must be…. because at least for her, she knew her child was in heaven in the arms of Jesus. And she could not imagine what it would be like to know that her child was still out there….but not with her.
I was shocked.
I had no idea she would get me… get my hurt… think it was a big deal.
One of the hardest things that I faced after I lost my daughter was that many people did not know what to say or do.
Our loss was different. And so many times it made me feel so alone. I sometimes would tell myself to just move on… that it wasn’t like my daughter died….
But she was my baby girl… and I was her mommy… and she was taken away… and I miss her….
You guessed it. I am crying, yes. Ever since I have lost my little girl I have written. It has been how I have gotten it all out. Since I have been sharing my story with all of you I have had it all rush over me again. All the pain. The anger. The sadness. Everything.
I know that God will continue to bring healing. I know that He is right here, right now. And I am so thankful. Sometimes I just wish it didn’t still hurt this bad. But in my weakness, He is strong. And through hard times, God builds me up and makes me stronger. I have seen God use our story… and I know He is not done using it. I am excited to see how He does – even when is hurts.