Facing my fear

I went to a writers conference end of february.  I was nervous and not quite sure what to expect… I did know that I would be sharing our story a lot.  I had no idea what kind of feedback that I would have but I did have a certain type of person that I was afraid to talk to…..

At dinner I sat next to this other young mama.  I asked her what her story was.

She to told me her story and that her baby had died.  I cried.  She was so brave as she told her story.  I could not even imagine how painful that must have been for her.  There are no words… and for me to not have words… well that speaks for itself.

She then asked me what my story was.

I wanted to sneak out-get away-change the subject.  You know, anything but answer her.  Because SHE was that person that I was afraid to talk to.  I didn’t want to share my story because I did not want her think that I was trying to relate to her and act as if I know how she feels.  I didn’t want her to think my story was not a big deal because my child had not died.  I just didn’t want to compare…

But, she sat there looking at me as if she wanted me to talk….. Usually people are looking at me as if they want me to stop talking…

Okay then, I will talk…. deep breath or 5 of them…

I started to tell my story…. and she cried.  She cried.  She never said those words I feared I would hear… She looked at me and said she couldn’t believe how hard that must be…. because at least for her, she knew her child was in heaven in the arms of Jesus.  And she could not imagine what it would be like to know that her child was still out there….but not with her.

I was shocked.

I had no idea she would get me… get my hurt… think it was a big deal.

One of the hardest things that I faced after I lost my daughter was that many people did not know what to say or do.

I didn’t.

Our loss was different.  And so many times it made me feel so alone.  I sometimes would tell myself to just move on… that it wasn’t like my daughter died….

But she was my baby girl… and I was her mommy… and she was taken away… and I miss her….

You guessed it.  I am crying, yes.  Ever since I have lost my little girl I have written.  It has been how I have gotten it all out.  Since I have been sharing my story with all of you I have had it all rush over me again.  All the pain.  The anger.  The sadness.  Everything.

I know that God will continue to bring healing.  I know that He is right here, right now.  And I am so thankful.  Sometimes I just wish it didn’t still hurt this bad.  But in my weakness, He is strong.  And through hard times, God builds me up and makes me stronger.  I have seen God use our story… and I know He is not done using it.  I am excited to see how He does – even when is hurts.

~Kristen

   

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5 thoughts on “Facing my fear

  1. And now I’m crying too. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers from Michigan! Let me know if there’s anything I can do or if you need to talk… I’m here!

  2. And now I’m crying with you. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers from Michigan! If there’s anything I can do or if you need to talk, I’m here! Love you!!!

  3. Your transparency goes straight to my heart. I will be praying for your family tonight and for God to not only continue using your story, but to continue to comfort you; and to watch over and direct the steps of your little daughter so that she become and remain a part of your eternal family.

  4. Oh Kristen, there’s so much I want to say right now. My heart skipped a few beats as I read this post. You KNOW you were placed at that particular table for a reason. I believe God wanted (and wants) you to know that your loss is very, very important….just as important any other parent’s loss. Your heart hurts, your soul is crushed, the longing to have her back just never wants to go away~all such similar thoughts and feelings other parents feel. I know our minds play tricks on us, but try not to believe that lie that “your loss” might not be as significant as “someone else’s loss”. They are all different, yet similar. I think you know what I mean by that. We’re mommies who miss our babies and just want them to be in our arms again. Perhaps different stories, but so many feelings that are the same. Know you are never alone in any of this~God allowed our paths to cross for some reason. Maybe it’s just to have someone else to sit and listen….without having to try to find the right words to fix it all, because as you know….there are none. Praying for you, my friend!

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