First thing that comes to mind is BLESSED! So blessed! Our two sweet precious girls have filled up our lives! They call me mommy everyday. They hug me. They tell me that they love me. We laugh together. Play hard. Enjoy each moment. I have the honor and the privilege of raising them. I am indeed blessed.
Mothers day also bring to mind that I am blessed to call my mom, mom. What an amazing women she is. A women who loves the Lord with all her heart. Who loves my daddy with all shes got. Who is a precious Nana to my children. And who has walked though EVERYTHING in my life with me. Often times holding me along the journey. She is my role model. My hero. And the type of mom that I pray I become. She is one of my very best friends.
I am blessed by the legacy of my Grandmother, whom we call Nonnie! She was an amazing women of God who loved her family well!
I am blessed to have the two precious babies that God gave us for just a short time. To love them and hold them close. To have them love me in return. I will always love them and hold them in my heart. My dear sweet precious baby girl will always be just that – my dear sweet precious baby girl - I miss you today honey but thank God for the time I had with you even if it was too short.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me this mothers day and always. For giving me so many to love!
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you”, declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”
Amen to that!!
I have been feeling off lately and trying to figure out why. I miss my Grandma. I miss my sweet little girl. There have been doors closed that I didn’t think would be. And all the while I am feeling a little lost. And I am trying to find myself. I was chatting with my mom tonight and she said that I am defined by Christ. Not by what I do. Yah, I know that… but yet, I don’t live like I know that – at least not lately. I need to be praying that God will reveal His plan for my life and what He wants me to do… I need to let go of everything I thought I would be or thought I would do and hold tightly to the truth that God designed me. He knows the plans He has for my life. I need to put my hand in the Lords, quite trying to figure it out – and let Him lead. I have been so busy lately trying to “find myself” when what I need to do it surrender myself. My life is His. I am here for one purpose. I spend so much time planning what’s next and what I should be and what I want to be. So, what do I do? (Besides stop running around trying to find me and define me). I sit still – I listen – and I obey. Just be. Where God wants me. Where God calls me. Be who He made me to be. Be defined not by what I do but by Christ. Life is a journey, my friends. But one that is filled with so much hope and joy and purpose when lived for Christ.
Last night at 9 pm I went in to check on Aleah who was having a hard time falling asleep and she just had the giggles. There is no sound better in the whole world then when a child giggles. She said, “mama, lay by me”. So I did. And she just started to laugh. Her laughter is so contagious that we were both laughing so hard. I laid there looking at that sweet little face and those little hands that were holding mine and thinking, “WOW! I am so blessed.” I enjoyed that time with her. She teaches me not to take life too seriously… and to laugh. Laugh at everything – laugh at nothing – just laugh.
My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart.
I have felt angry lately. And it was not until today, when I fell on my knees before the Lord, that I realized why…. I am angry that I have had so much loss. That I have lost my Grandma already. I miss her so much – more then words could say. Life is not in our control and I get that…. but… I don’t like it. Not that I want to control life because yah, that is way too much… But I am tired of loss. In three years I lost my Grandpa, my daughter and now my Grandma. Three very precious people to me. It is a lot to take. Too much. When I lost my Grandma it made me miss our sweet girl because they have the same middle name and the feelings of loss were just way too familiar. When God closed the door for foster care I felt the loss of our little girl all over again. When that chapter was closed, it felt like I was leaving her in it… I guess I am, really. She will always be in my heart but each new chapter makes her feel further away. I do not like the feeling that brings and so I try to hold on. When really I think it is God’s way of helping me let go. Without even realizing it, I think all the loss and the reminders of loss and the closed doors have all made me try to take control. Like somehow I could at least make it not hurt… but the truth is it will always hurt at least a little. But God wants to hold me. And lately I have not been letting Him – not with this anyways. Because I have been angry. I guess I got tired of hurting and angry seemed like a better option. Well… I was wrong… you heard me… I was wrong. I need to cry and let God hold me. I need to remember that God has a plan. That He loves me. I have to let go and embrace what God has allowed. Friends, it is constant. It is a journey. One that I will never give up on. Because it is a journey the Lord has set me on and He will walk with me.
Thanks for listening!
I gave my testimony today. Thank you for praying!
It was hard to journey back. It was. As I spoke today, I cried… I guess that should come as no shock considering I cry… It is just what I do. I spoke about our sweet baby in front of a fairly large group of women. It was the first time that I had done that. I miss her but speaking today was such a blessing and honor because I know God was glorified in it. I am so thankful that our story is being used by God. It makes it that much more okay to have gone through it.
I must say that I am tired. After the time spent preparing and then talking about her I am worn out. But, I am okay. In fact, I came home today and the song came in my head that talks about being blessed. And you know what – I am so blessed. And I am so thankful for that. I was looking at the two sweet girls God has given me and just thinking how grateful I am for them – how precious they are. God has given us three precious daughters, two of which I get the privilege and honor of raising with my amazing husband Aaron. And our other daughter that we got to hold close for 7 weeks and that we get to love the rest of our lives. All three of which are sweet reminders of God’s Grace and Love! Of His Blessings!
I came across this blog post that I had written… you should read it. It talks about blessings and that some come from hardships…..